Ms. Taken Blog

I stumbled into an old post and could not stop laughing at this. How to be a douchebag stalker in five easy steps. These Facebook posts were first seen on College Humor.

Step One: Awkward Private Message to Girl. Make sure to include a lame title (Haha, like a tiger. Thanks I didn’t get it before!). Also make sure to start with a message about how much you need her phone number. Include stupid shit that she doesn’t care about like talking about your lame life (eating Wheat Thins?! WHO THE F*CK CARES ABOUT YOUR WHEAT THINS). Also make sure to be an asshole anyway and call her a bitch, like in that last paragraph.

Step Two: Overly Aggressive Comments on Profile. Oh how funny! You’re in town, and I happen to be going out too, OMG coincidence! Keep mentioning the whole “need your phone number” thing. Also mention (publicly!) how she never checks your private messages. Maintain the coolness factor by being stupid flirty “I’ll meet you OUT!”. So sexy.

Step Three: Realize Her Lack of Attention But Keep Trying Anyway. Acknowledge that the girl doesn’t give a shit about you, but keep trying your best to get that phone number from her. One day she’ll start caring! Mention random conversation from years ago that she probably doesn’t remember, and keep including lines so awful that a mentally handicapped cockroach would be considered a comedic genius in comparison (PUN INTENDED, OMG didn’t get that either!). Include your super creepy message but coat it in sarcasm and funniness so it comes off as less stalkerish, like that last line about forcing her to have pancakes with you.

Step Four: Inappropriate Comments on Photos. Make sure to announce  your inappropriateness by commenting on all of her photos, thereby announcing your stalker nature to her, all of her friends AND her boyfriend. Also talk about how much you love her dress even though you probably don’t give a crap at all.

Step Five: Complete Douchebaggery by Trying to Kill Her Boyfriend But Crying Instead. Try to show you’re manly by beating up her boyfriend, but then back out like a chicken shit and cry in the corner at the last second. Then go back to Step One and start all over again. Bravo, you’re a douchebag!